My heart feels heavy tonight; It is nearing 2am and I am still unable to begin to give it ease. (It does not help that my soul is constantly torn in two these days) The disconnect between my head and my heart could not possibly be greater.
How do people move on after having been with someone? He has engrained himself into every piece of who I am. - Why did I let that happen? - No one ever warned me; if I have a daughter, I will warn her.
My mother cried to me over the phone yesterday saying that she feels young but looks into the mirror and only sees her wrinkles of old age, sagging bodily features, etc. I told her that if she calls herself ugly that she is then calling me ugly because there is so much of her in me. I just want her to be happy again, I want that sad tone in her voice to disappear.
This is my first time writing it but I, - I hate my father for what he did to thrust her into this continuous state of depression. I forgive often, - but I will never find it in me to forgive him.
I want truth. About everything. All of the time. I respect truth. I feel belittled by lies. I would never lie to you.
I think that I have always had deeply engrained trust issues created by a cause that I am unaware of. Perhaps that is why I only ever told important things to my cat growing up, - and even then only when we were deep in the woods. Perhaps that is why I never told my friends in elementary through high-school anything personal. Perhaps that is why my diary from my youth had only banal facts about what transpired during each day because I feared that someone would find my words and read them. Perhaps that is why I am so attached to him. Who else knows all of those personal details? (No one.) Could I possibly open up to someone else, - about them? Is that possible?
I gave him my complete trust. - I convulsed with tears when I realized that it was a mistake for me to have done so. - My heart, pounding as though I had just sprinted my hardest around a lap on the track, did not want to believe it as we laid beside one another. I could taste regret and guilt as I breathed in the air in the room.
A boy from my past is genuinely interested in me. He finds me funny, adorable, smart, kind, etc. But I catch myself so often holding back from proceeding any further with him. I talk with him but I make excuses often and I feel stupid and silly because with this distance I cannot say that the man who I love is showing the same reluctance. In fact, it could be argued that such an optimistic idea would be quite doubtful.
It hurts and I never know what to do because I cannot imagine feeling at home in the arms of someone else, - but I can imagine him being able to do the same.
I hope that things work out. I hope that I will one day be okay. I will try and rest my eyes now.
*studies for 2 minutes*
Lmfaoo XD !!
ocelots are so fucking adorable.
LOOK AT ITS CUTE LITTLE FACE :D
the fading autumn know:
seasons slip away, but
we are mountains.
having anxiety and depression is like being scared and tired at the same time. it’s the fear of failure but no urge to be productive, and it’s wanting friends while hating socializing. it’s like running a marathon with the willpower of a corpse because you want to get to the end but you also want to sleep and evaporate into the soil and become compost for snails and flowers because then at least you’re useful